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| Thursday, January 29th, 2009 | | 10:42 pm |
I HAVE TIME.
I have time. Plenty of time. Current Mood:  optimistic | | Wednesday, December 17th, 2008 | | 3:36 pm |
Okay girl, for the record: "The main reason I was drawn to Little women is because of the beach scene, and the scene with Mr. Lawrence in Act II. I wanted you to play that role." -SLF "You've gotta learn to develop a little more volume and power, because you won't always be on a mic - I mean, but if you do, God help us, you'll be unstoppable." -SLF "The singing is just.... uhg. SOOO good." -SW "That song about not waiting, and what you said, TOTALLY resonated with me." -K. Berke "You're really coming into your own." -ST for a semester where i felt completely out of control and a hot mess most of the time, that's not so bad, right? Current Mood: satisfied | | Sunday, December 7th, 2008 | | 8:21 pm |
Twilight the Musical? wow, guys - i knew the prospects for theatre were bleak these days... but seriously. Show wrapped. Struck. Parents and gramma flew home. Now what do I do with myself? ...audition for Twilight the musical, I guess. I walked the line last night. Here I am, singing this song about letting go, and my grandmother is right there in the front row in a wheelchair. I really wanted it to be for her, so I went back and forth between singing to her (through Brittney) and fighting it off so I didn't break down on stage. Nobody noticed, and all my friends just thought I was really plugged in. But as soon as I walked off stage, I totally lost it. huh huh mahhhhhhhhh... ...okay. Now, to clean up the rest of my life, which I've utterly neglected for the past month and a half. Current Mood:  melancholy | | Thursday, November 13th, 2008 | | 11:16 pm |
Gramma Cotty's things are all pictured in these PDF files, with little numbers attached to them, like at an auction. She's only moving out of her apartment - but... this isn't spring cleaning. A whole lifetime of things. A whole life. Being divided up, before it's even over. I think the scariest part (or the saddest part) of dying, is the end of making plans. Looking around at everyone else, strong and healthy, who will go on, and continue to explore this Earth, and see the first woman president or the cure for AIDS. I think it would almost be like I was an outsider in the world I'd been living in for the last 80 years - already a thing of the past, someone who has stopped moving forward - something for everyone else to move beyond. When I have three months left, I don't want to know. Current Mood: sore | | Sunday, August 24th, 2008 | | 5:38 pm |
wow, moving apartments SUCKS.
The boy comes back from Turkey tomorrow, which should be really nice. Also, I think I might move to New Orleans after school. Also, tickets to Paris are $400 right now. After this summer, I can actually afford that! Whoa. Traveling, on my own, is now a legitimate possibility - if I could only find the time. Still, it's nice to know that if life ever really got me down, I could jump on a plane and hit Europe for a week or so. I would like a new life plan, please - I think I wore my old one out. It's weird to have aimed for something my whole life, and then gotten close enough to see it and found out that what I really want is something very, very different. I actually HATE attention from strangers. It embarrasses me and makes me uncomfortable. Also, fuck school. I'm gonna go ahead and jump off the Disney train, thank you very much. And what's really funny about that is when I finally stop relying so much on their approval, they'll most likely start approving of me. *rolls eyes* Current Mood: mellow | | Friday, June 20th, 2008 | | 4:11 am |
Remember that time my journal was really really emo for about 12 entries in a row? ...yeah, i do. Life is pretty alright these days. I seem to be booking a lot of little local commercials and stuff, and at my shoot yesterday I found out that the project I was doing is actually going to turn into something bigger pretty soon. They seemed really happy with what I did, and I'm pretty sure they're gonna bring me back. Dudes are a little complicated lately (so what else is new?). Great guy named Ediz, from Turkey, that I've been spending a bunch of time with. But also another great guy from India via South Africa (okay, let's admit it, I go for the ethnic ones) who sort of makes me giddy and giggly whenever I talk to him... Oh, and Han HATES ME. Whew! But at least bringing his drama queen emails into my therapist and having them read out loud to me helped me realize how absolutely delusional he is. And hypocritical. idiot... Might get a job as a server at this yuppie place in Harvard Square where they serve aromatherapy cocktails. That's essentially an extra four dollars in tips PER DRINK. Yuusssssss... Then again, it means I have to deal with pretentious 25-year-olds who have waaayyy too much disposable cash. Oh well. Also doing work study at the Dance Complex around the corner, which means free African, Samba, and ballet technique classes three times a week. Current Mood:  sleepy | | Thursday, May 29th, 2008 | | 5:26 pm |
I'm a little too eager to dive into you.
I've gone too long without pouring myself out, so here it comes. I am not who you're looking for. Not even close. These "standards" you've set? -I'm never going to meet them, because (thankfully) I am so much more interesting than the girl you're imagining, and here's why: I AM REAL. I gush. My soul stumbles out, and gets bruised up, and laughs too loud and drinks in the world to the point of intoxication. Drowning Point: Buoyant? I'm closer to nature in a boat half under the water as I use my bare hands to bail myself out- getting rich thick seaweed tangled through my fingers, emerging glistening and smelling of sea star. I may cough and choke, for a moment- but it's worth it to break upward at last, eyes still salty with ocean tears, full of an under-vision which you will never know. Current Mood: risen | | Thursday, May 22nd, 2008 | | 11:53 am |
I figure if I breathe and let go, everything I'm feeling will disperse out evenly into the universe, which I am part of. Just be with it. -Ha! It worked. ...for that moment, at least... now what about this one? I may need to take it one moment at a time for a while. I'm learning the guitar because I'm pretty sure that when I get over the top of this hill, there will be a new kind of music inside of me that I'll need to get out - weep out - of my bellows and my pores... like vomit and sweat, but prettier. I feel it coming. Current Mood: like climbing up an avalanche. | | Wednesday, April 30th, 2008 | | 1:49 pm |
no big thing
if i could get some love from the universe for this little thing that came up, that would be really, really cool. i don't need to "get it" - my real goal is just to make a good impression, make a good contact, and maybe get sent out on some other things in the future. that would be delightful. but whatever comes, thanks for this, at least. it's encouraging, and it's fun. :) Current Mood: cheerful | | Monday, April 28th, 2008 | | 12:06 am |
Dance Journal (because it seemed relevant somehow).
The woman who oversees casting for Disney Theatrical came in and talked to our musical theatre studio class the other day. I was actually really disappointed. I’ve auditioned several times for Disney in New York, and have had really wonderful experiences, so I thought, “Hey – there’s at least a company out there that I’m really marketable for… They may not be making the most mind-blowing artistic statements in the world, but it’s fun, right?” Not at all. She was so… corporate. All she talked about was our clothes, and how high we could belt, and how much money all these people are spending to come from Iowa to see us on Broadway. It was all about the product – and the product wasn’t very exciting, either. She looked like a cross between a mom on her way to a PTA meeting, and a pink-tinted business executive, and she seemed to want the same out of us. I was just so turned off… This has a point, I promise. The funny thing about going to school for art is that it’s like they’re trying to force you to get on a train that’s already left the station. Yes, the market’s looking for pop-rock right now… but I mean, when you realize that the “market” is really the white, 55-year-old, balding Christian men who front the money for “The Little Mermaid,” it probably means that something way the hell more interesting and new is beginning on the fringe. And by the time I really come into my own, (say, at thirty) the kids that are doing that new exciting stuff will have grown up with me and come into their own, too. And then we’ll be unstoppable. So my job now is to get the training and the experience and to do what’s exciting to me, right? It’s not my job to worry about the market. …So I guess I’m writing this here because I feel like, so far, modern dance is the closest thing I’ve encountered in the dance world to “not worrying about the market”. I love that it feels more like an exploration than a “performance” (at least in the crowd-pleasing, money-making sense). It’s like, “What if? What if I ignored the counts for a second? What if doing that threw me for the whole song, and I discovered a cool, new accent? What if I break this movement in half instead of letting it get too pretty? What if my body bends this way? What if I’m sensual - not in the coy, jazzy way, but in this wonderfully earthy and honest and funny and childlike way? What if the energy I’m feeling makes me jump spastically for no good reason?” It’s a lesson I hope to take with me into acting and singing and the whole rest of my life – TRY IT. Play. See what happens. And then when you have to make a decision about what to keep, keep what’s satisfying, and challenging, and interesting to you. Does even the world of modern dance get caught up in “the market” I wonder? I mean, it’s been “around” in some form for a while now, so it has to have made some money. As a modern choreographer, do you ever catch yourself worrying too much about what the audience will think, or the demographic you’re “selling” to? Is it easier not to do that because (for now, at least) modern is still a little fringier? Or do you never escape? -Or on the flipside, do you find that it gets indulgent sometimes? Or masturbatory (you know what I mean – in the “artsy” sense)? When is it honest, and when is it splattering paint on a canvas and calling it a “masterpiece”? I mean, poems don’t have to rhyme. But there’s a point when poetry loses so much of its structure that it just isn’t poetry anymore. As a choreographer or a painter or a writer - or an actor, how do you walk that line? Ha. The Disney lady also emphasized the importance of taking absurd amounts of dance classes. Tap is coming back, she says. And man, do I need some more ballet training. …Will I ever get there? I love movement. I love it. But I’m not sure I’ll ever be at a point where I’ll really be able to call myself a true “dancer” – at least in the “marketable” sense. I think I really could move very beautifully, truthfully I mean, if I was given the chance and the time… but will I ever get it? Will anyone ever want to see what I’ve got? Or will they be too stuck in whether or not I can pick up the choreography in ten minutes at an audition? And I know I can still train, and take class, and improve my technique, and think faster… but I’ll always feel behind, I think… I am learning to be more patient with myself, to build in more time. I used to tighten up the second I missed a step, and all I could fit in my mind is “GET THIS GET THIS GET THIS… WHY AREN’T YOU GETTING THIS?!” which leaves no room to actually experience the movement or enjoy it or even to learn it. Lately I’ve just been allowing myself to step back and think, “Okay, so we’re learning this right now, we’re in the middle of a process. There’s time to solidify this. Ooh! What was that? I’ll have to figure that part out for myself…”. As it turns out, that gives me room to problem solve, and to fit the movement into my own form, get it in my body, instead of mimicking the people next to me. I can feel it sinking into me more. Like, it’s flowing into my head and my body both at the same time. They’re working together now, instead of my brain bossing my limbs around. And of course, it is by no means all there yet. Especially when I know I’ve only got a few tries to make it happen, I lose it again – like the degage exercise with the diagonal arms. I still tighten down and muscle through that one – and you can see it in my furrowed eyebrows and the way I clench my fists. A few times I’ve been able to let go enough to notice where my hands are, and that’s a big step forward, I think. I know now that I need to relax in order to be specific. It’s unbelievable how much your body knows on it’s own, if you just trust it. A few other details… tracking my standing leg, making sure I keep my hips square when I tondue in turnout to the back, remembering to tighten my core to help balance – they’re all things I’m keeping in mind. I need to relax my shoulders and my neck – everywhere, not just in dance. But again, the key to all of this seems to be patience with myself. When I’m too worried about doing it right, I don’t allow myself the time to scan and see that things are in line. So often I’m in such a hurry to “do something” that I don’t allow myself the opportunity to really DO it. ….And man, it feels so good when I line myself up… I just need to remember that. And then on the other hand, here I am, feeling panicked and crunched for time again. My god, I’m almost a senior. In about a year, I’ll have to pay for dance classes on my own – will I give that to myself, allow myself that time, or will I once again jump the gun, expect perfection in every audition without giving myself the necessary preparation, and then berate myself for not being talented when I have trouble? Am I ever going to learn this lesson, or is it going to continue smacking me in the face as it has my whole life, each time I think I’ve finally figured it out? I think you’ve probably gathered by now that this isn’t just about dance… which is for the better, I guess. That’s what education is, anyway, right? It’s funny how everything seems to tie together. Because I do this in studio, too. Ha- and in piano lessons! You would not believe the way I rush ahead during my scales, having given myself no time to get oriented in the key- or the way I dive into a scene from Uncle Vanya sometimes without taking in the door, or the chair, or the window, or even my scene partner, because I feel obligated to some expectation of what needs to happen that doesn’t even exist - that I made up! …..I also think I don’t put nearly the amount of work into my work that I should. I need need need to take those dance classes when I leave college, because I seem to have it in my head that I should have superhuman abilities and get everything perfect, and that if I don’t “have it” by now, I’ll never get it. But I’m finally starting to acknowledge that that’s not true. I started a little late in dance, but I’ve improved dramatically over the last several years as I’ve taken different classes, and even the problems I thought I’d never fix, like picking up choreography, are beginning to chip away. And I have time. So much time. Not just “until I’m thirty” or “until I’m too old to play ingénues” or “until my arthritis gets me”. Art is something that will continue to wind through me and grow in me and flow out of me and feed into me and explode from me until I’m one hundred and four and can hardly move or talk and have to sing through my nose and dance with my fingers. …That’s all I want, really. Current Mood: circular, pointed... both? | | Sunday, April 27th, 2008 | | 6:28 pm |
show... over. nine hours of strike, but it was worth it, to be in that theatre. i like ari. i think i rocked the maj this weekend. :) Current Mood: exhausted | | Friday, April 4th, 2008 | | 4:08 pm |
| | Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008 | | 10:34 pm |
IS ANYONE OUT THERE?!
just wondering. i know i haven't been exactly the most available or selfless person lately, so i don't really have grounds for complaining. but, i mean, did everyone just pick up and leave? why do i have to make eight phone calls to get one question answered, not just from my friends, but from my parents, and my teachers, and even really random people like the school registrar or the intermediate ballet teacher? i feel like i went invisible. it's fine, i mean, but it would've been nice to have had some warning... Current Mood:  confused | | 6:20 pm |
Things I've learned by turning 21.
I discovered a few things. A) If I ask people directly for what I need, instead of tip-toeing around it, it's not only more comfortable for the other person, but I also get what I want. People don't crumble and fall apart when I make perfectly reasonable requests. B) I need to call my parents less, and start owning my own life and my own problems. If I'm having a bad day, I'll acknowledge it, breathe, be present, and do what needs to be done for myself. C) I am not the secretary of defense, I am not a rocket scientist, I am not head of the U.N. - I'm a freaking actor. That means it's actually sort of okay when I fuck up, so I might as well have a little fun with it. ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ------------- Honesty time: If you happen to be someone who doesn't return my phone calls these days, please, please just text me or something to tell me what's up, okay? I'm beginning to wonder if there is anyone in the world who I can actually count on - please don't prove to me that there isn't. Mom, Dad, FUCK YOU. "Anonymous" Guy - I really appreciate the positive vibes, but again, please either post your name or stop writing. Actually, just stop writing. I'm not looking for a fairy godfather, and I get tired of people who pretend to know the secrets of life real quick. Either be tangibly present in my life, or go away. Everyone. Because half-asking it doesn't give me what I need, and it just makes it harder for me to learn to depend on myself. Current Mood:  annoyed | | Sunday, March 23rd, 2008 | | 9:33 am |
Shit.
God (and adderal) smote me with drymouth at my audition yesterday. And we're not talking just drymouth. We're talking like, six-saltines-in-a-minute-challenge, "Does she have a serious speech impediment, or is she just mentally handicapped?" DRYMOUTH. I actually sounded like I had a lisp, like I needed therapy or something. And I'm standing there, delivering this beautiful monologue from Stairs to the Roof, and my lips are glued to my teeth and my tongue can hardly move, and I'm thinking, "This'll be a really funny story in about a month, once I recover from the disappointment of having blown this huge audition." So my question is this: This happened for a reason, right? Because some really incredible summer opportunity is on its way, right? Because dammit, I was so prepared. And despite hardly being able to form words, I was actually still really committed during the damn monologue. So the lesson isn't "Thou shalt be more prepared next time" ...assuming (optimistically) that these are all lessons, instead of just random bizarre occurrences that I'm pathetically trying to make sense of. theuniverseworksinmyfavortheuniversework sinmyfavortheuniverseworksinmyfavortheun iverseworksinmyfavor.... Current Mood: amused/crushed | | Tuesday, March 18th, 2008 | | 5:46 pm |
REASONS (in case i need a little reminder)
he has really negative feelings about women. he hates his parents (that can't be good). he says that he's disgusted by cottage cheese thighs, and is incredibly critical of women's bodies. he came back to the U.S. on the EXACT day i told him not to because it would hurt my grades and my career. he says i treat him like shit. we do nothing but fight. he embarassed me by trying to force me to go back to a bar that i'd just been thrown out of. he doesn't understand most of the things i say in conversations that go below surface level. he doesn't seem to understand the general concept behind me having a different opinion than him. i just spent the last semester and a half digging myself out of a shithole and regaining my sense of identity. and the number one reason is..... I AM A GOOD PERSON ALL BY MYSELF. There. Current Mood: determined | | 2:30 am |
up at 2:30.
This week, my sorrority decided to start pledging. My schedule is full of rehearsals, *not* counting the ones I have to do for Uncle Vanya with Arianne, to make up for the fact that we've basically done nothing for a MONTH. Han decided that this week was clearly the best week to come home for the only time in a year, because I'm turning 21... "-wait, didn't you like, break up? wasn't he like, REALLY unhealthy for you?-" ahem. And somewhere in there, it would be nice to get an extra minute to prepare for my GIGANTIC audition in NY on Saturday. oh. and meanwhile, my grandfather is dying. ...anybody out there? Current Mood: guilty | | Sunday, March 16th, 2008 | | 12:06 pm |
also... my mom called me up before my callback yesterday, and told me that she was proud of me. she told me that she realized that what i was doing was sort of philanthropy, because i was helping people discover aspects of themselves, and of humanity, through my work. that meant so, so much, coming from her. mmmmm.... this has been an important year for me. Current Mood: indescribable | | Saturday, March 15th, 2008 | | 10:03 pm |
whoa.
came home to a very fat letter from south korea. probably the most heartfelt and beautiful thing i've ever read - but the thing that really did it was that he filled the envelope with pictures of him and his grandmother together, drinking from the teacup i made for her. what do i do? i don't think i've ever loved somebody so much. but he hasn't gotten the chance to really know me, or me him. i've been a much happier person since we've been apart. he's coming back next weekend, my twenty-first birthday. i'm scared. what if i give in and i lose all this hard work i've done for myself? in other news, i had one helluva week. i went to a ton of auditions, saw two shows, and attended a seminar with a top director. i have a zillion friends to take care of me when i move to new york. i have a whole extra year to prepare, and i'm already able to get work now. ...it turns out, i was called back for sandy in "grease" for this little pro summer theatre in the berkshires. i stayed an extra day so i could go, and actually felt really good about my second singing audition, my reading, and the dance call. ugh - they had me sing "hopelessly devoted" (welcome back, summer before seventh grade!). i don't know if it'll turn around into a job -- but even still, it's another connection. i also probably sharpened my general audition technique about twenty percent over the last six days. by friday, i'd figured out how to time it perfectly so i could be seen at two calls before 1pm. not bad. i also learned that with enough coffee, i'd probably have enough -ahem- "energy" to get through a restaraunt dinner shift after all that if i really had to. ...but let's not push it. the point is, i'm okay. there are sixty thousand actors in new york city. but only one of them is me, and there IS a place there just for me. :) Current Mood: accomplished | | Thursday, March 13th, 2008 | | 7:48 pm |
not so cocky now, are ya?
ok, my ass is officially kicked. not so easy, turns out. was up at four today. hit six auditions. was only seen at TWO of them (all of them were Equity Principal Auditions). will anything come of them? ....dunno. probably not. it also doesn't feel so hot to know that, even when i finally AM Equity, it still doesn't mean i'll get to eat consistantly... unless i work at a restaraunt. i mean, and i already knew all this. but actually feeling the exhaustion of an eleven hour day, when it's only three in the afternoon, will really slap you some sobering reality. it's still fun. but man - i'm not gonna lie - i'm really freaking tired. Current Mood:  lethargic |
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